Four years ago, we were blessed with twin daughters.  It was a difficult pregnancy but we were ferventy praying that our two litte girls would both be well come delivery day.  On our 27^th week of gestation, I was admitted in the hospital for pre-term labor and had to stay there for three more weeks until it was no longer possible to keep the babies in my womb.  A stat CS was ordered, and our twins were delivered 10 weeks premature.  I was not sedated then so I was able to watch through the reflection on the stainless casing over the ceiling lights how the doctors took my two little babies from my womb.  It was a sight I would never forget.

Both babies went straight to NICU(Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).  They were just 1kilo and 1.5kilos in weight.  They looked so very fragile but our hearts were filled with joy seeing them move their tiny little arms and legs.  The smaller of the twins, Jade, had to be kept in the hospital nursery for two months until she had gained enough weight and could be fed already without a tube.  Her twin sister, Jake, though succumbed to Respiratory Distress Syndrome and went to God’s beautiful garden on her 7^th day of life.

Her passing left a huge gap in my heart.  A gap that no one could ever fill in.

GRIEF.  I was shrouded with it when my little daughter succumbed to death and had to go with Jesus to heaven.  Any parent who was lost a child knows that there is no greater grief than to witness that child suffer an illness and breathe her last breath.  I saw my baby suffer through three surgeries and watched her breathe her last breath while praying that it was just a bad dream and that she’d breathe once again.  I was only able to hold her close to my chest when life had left her fragile body.  Had I known that we would lose her, I would have insisted on holding her close to me even with all the tubes and wires attached to her just so I could have felt her heart beat next to mine.  No words, no warm hugs, nothing could comfort me.  Add to this grief was my incessant worry for my other daughter who was still in the hospital nursery.  I was grieving the loss of her twin while fearful that I might lose her as well.  I would have gladly slept inside the hospital nursery were I allowed to do so just so I could look at my frail Jade every single second.

ANGER.  Angry is an understatement.  I was in rage, infuriated at having been given a daughter only to see her frail body suffer and to send her off to heaven.  I questioned God’s plan for us.  I refused to understand the wisdom behind what had befallen us . I say refused because I could have easily accepted what had happened but my rage blinded me from all reason.  I stayed angry for a long time, and though many people could not see it, those closest to my heart took the full brunt of my anger.

PEACE. It took years before I finally fully accepted my daughter’s death.  It has only been a few months that I have actually stopped crying in despair at night.  There are still times when I feel the emptiness, that feeling that we’ll never be truly complete as a family, but there’s also a tinge of joy that my daughter is in a better place – a far better place than we are now.  With acceptance came peace.  A peaceful heart now ready to  receive and give more love.

When a loved one goes to heaven, we all grieve.  We feel sorry, hurt, and empty.  But it is our choice to dwell in pain and anger or to trust in the Lord’s plan which is ultimately better than any plan we have for ourselves.  The loss of my daughter left a huge gap in my heart.  Only Jesus, through His grace and through people who sincerely love me, was able to fill that gap and make me whole again.  Yes, I still wish to embrace my three little children together but still, everyday, I am thankful that we have one special angel watching over us.